GP by GP – My Name is Eddie Humbert, This is a Day in My Life

GP by GP – My Name is Eddie Humbert, This is a Day in My Life

Sometimes a story can be exciting even if you only know half of it. It is like listening to a phone conversation between strangers on the platform or in the street. I sometimes amuse myself thinking what the other person says, that would make this person near me, react or respond in such manner.

My name is Eddie Humbert, my lord and I’m here to represent my participation and the majority of involvement in creation of the infinite improbability drive.

I am so pleased that you have time for me so early and I will be quick about the representation. First of all I would point out that it is deeply frowned upon by the academic society that all credit goes to that little brat… I mean the student of which we are debating. Credit and rights to the project according to patent laws should go to everyone involved in the project. What do I get? A Herring…

No lord it is not due to the splendid parties held that I am commenting on this situation. I just want to get the facts straight and get the acclaim I am destined to get.

Yes lord, I do believe that destiny has somewhat an effect on the progression of motivation and front-wheel drive. None the less I will request the honor in-stored for me for making the calculations for finite improbability and basically create the generator by wiring the logic circuits of a Bambleweeny 57 Sub-Meson Brain to an atomic vector plotter suspended in a strong Brownian motion producer.

No my lord, I can’t say that three times in a row.

I beg your pardon, but I do not see the outcome of an attempt to repeat myself thrice ought to have any effect on the matter at all. I will on the other hand show you the twenty-nine books I wrote to explain and prove the finite improbability and how to use it for intergalactic travel.

Yes my lord I do expect you to read it through and with that prove that I am a victim of theft and the majority of the renown should be mine.

I am sorry lord, what do you want me to do? That is intolerable! I will certainly not stick even one book up my behind for any reason whatsoever!

Yes… I am sorry, you were just joking I see. Please forgive my outburst then. Getting back to the matter of fact, we have proof that the effect of the Infinite improbability drive has some dire and utterly random effects on the universe. This student had no idea when he stumbled upon the only solution, what effects it could have on the universe and our careful account of the population of sperm whales.

No lord I do not say that the improbability of effects could be estimated if it was discovered by someone else, but I will point out that had the illusion of time been different, we might not have had to go to Vogsphere to update The Whale logs.

I know that something else could have happened lord, but that student could not have foreseen the consequences he has put us through. Still with the usage of this drive, we are changing everything and when can we say it is no longer for the better?

No lord, I do not have pies in my briefcase. I do apologize if it is taking up your lunchtime, but my digital watch is broken.

I know I am sounding mean my lord, but time is the essence here if we are going to get this done.

I don’t know what time is for you, but if you calculate that it is lunchtime I must admit that I am using a lot of your time and is going to pick up my pace.

No lord, I do not carry a mace nor did I threaten you. Please look in the appendix of the first book and you will see that it has been written and edited by me. I do thereby…

How can that even be possible, it is machine written? I can’t write that well with a pen.

No my lord I have not edited the real author out, I am the real author. Why is that suddenly becoming the focus point of this session?

Yes lord I am sorry for my outburst… I still do not have a mace in my briefcase, you are quite safe. Back to the point as they once said, this scholar has only taken the only solution left by all our hard work and put in the easy little piece of the large puzzle, which was and still is the infinite improbability drive. We as a community, as a scientific institute and as mace-less group of physicists are frustrated to say the least of this atrocity that has befallen our lifetime achievement.

Thank you my lord, it was a mouthful… yes I would like to say more on the subject. I am not only a spokesman for the entire physicist department and engineers, but also speaking on behalf of myself when I say that if rights are not changed in this matter, I will not be held accounted for the lynching that might occur.

No my lord, lynching not launching. Take it as you may on the behalf of the inhabitants of the universe, but I will not let this smart-ass take all the credit for such an important discovery.

I understand my lord, when can I expect the verdict upon this matter?

I am sorry my lord, I am not sure what you mean? You have not touched the books nor consulted with anyone.

Yes my lord.

I understand that time is an illusion my lord and lunchtime doubly so!

I am sorry my lord, I was not trying to be funny.

I will await your verdict my lord. Can I suspect a verdict before this illusion of a day is over?

I am not trying to be boorish my lord, I am just worried for the matter at hand. I am perfectly aware that the discovery of the infinite improbability drive is the only reason I can present my case to you.

I am not sure I understand? No I cannot sing…

One of these dayz… a day in the life of “Edz” (My Name is Eddie Humbert, This is a Day in My Life)

One of these dayz… a day in the life of “Edz” (My Name is Eddie Humbert, This is a Day in My Life)

I wake up and stretch. It’s my day off. I nuzzle her neck and hope for a response, but she’s sound asleep. She’s a heavy sleeper. At least she pretends to be, though I’m not sure she isn’t faking it.

I slide out of bed and go to the kitchen for an early morning snack. I know she hates it when I only eat the topping off the pizza, but to be honest, it’s the only edible thing the morning after, and I did try to wake her. You schmooze, you lose.

I sit by the window watching the birds. They’re so feisty in the morning! Before breakfast! That’s not me. I prefer lazy mornings in bed with her. Preferably awake. I sneak into the bedroom and try a new approach: nibbling her ear. Her steady breathing doesn’t alter. I guess I’ll have to go hunting by myself, the sun is shining and the promise of a hot day is in the rays’ heat.

I sneak out the door and into the golden sun. MUSTWALKINTOTHEFOREST before I fall asleep on the lawn. I just love the lazy days of summer, sleeping in, relaxing at home, not having to think about work – as if! – or winter.
I sneak off into the woods. A finely tuned ear and a keen sense of smell are so important when hunting. Even you, dear reader, should be able to smell a forest animal, because most of them smell a lot. Forest animals smell different to sweaty humans, in case you were wondering. Rancid and sharp, and if you can smell it, start making noises – cos it means that *it* cannot smell you and has no idea you’re walking about. Unless you’re hunting, that is, then you should be so lucky. Follow that smell.

Personlly, I don’t mind them, unless they’re hephalumps. Hephalumps are invisible. There’s a small herd in the forest. The neighbour’s two dogs go bonkers when they smell the hephs. None of us really want to meet the hephs so we try to stay well clear of them.

I jog on, trying to catch an interesting sniff from somewhere, but it seems that there are no interesting prey about. I sneak on through the woods, registering all the noise – from millions of insects and birds, the wind whispering through and caressing the foliage, an airplane high up. A toad jumps into a puddle from yesterday’s rain shower. I don’t much care for toads. They’re poisonous. They have small beady eyes that stare right into your soul and wreak havoc on your digestion.

The air is getting gradually warmer and it’s less comfortable to breathe. It’s time to head back home. No matter how much she had to drink last night, surely she should wake up soon? It’s almost time for my dinner! She can’t expect me to fix it myself. It’s her job.

Upon entering the house I hear nothing. No familiar singing in the kitchen, no water falling from faucet to coffee pot. Only some almost imperceptible miniature snores.

She’s still sleeping! I cannot believe it! My slave is still in bed, not preparing my dinner, not tidying my boxes, not cleaning the sofa. I cannot believe this level of disrespect. I am hungry! There was no food to be found in the forest! All I’ve had to eat, all day, is just a few dry biscuits. Dry, bland and boring. I want food! Proper food. And I want it NOW!!!

I jump onto the bed without my usual grace and elegance. I try nibbling her ear but she swats me away like a fly. The nerve of it! Me, Eddie Humbert (also known as Edz amongst the cool cats) being swatted like a fly! This time there will be blood. I stick my paw under the duvet, all five claws out, pause for a second, then strike. Four paws, five claws, five toes. Blood curdling scream lasting a lot longer than five seconds. and she KICKED me out of bed! The nerve! Kicking a poor defenseless cat. I wailed my despair, shredded her blouse on the way out to prove my point – I do not accept being treated with such disrespect – flew over the counter and knocked her wine glass on the floor. I think she was obsessed by some demon cos I heard the noises she made – they didn’t sound human at all – I streaked out the cat flap without looking back.

My dinner? Oh, right. I had to go out hunting. Seems she didn’t appreciate the wake-up call. I walked in through the cat flap, calm as a cucumber, expecting my dinner. She sent me tumbling out the front door and down the stairs and told me to catch my own dinner before she sealed off the cat flap so I can’t get back inside. How dare she? When my thumbs evolve completely, she will pay.

Until then, I shall have to find myself some food. Or sun. My batteries need recharging. The sunny grass is so beckoning… the heat from the sun so hot… so alluring… must…not…give…in *znorez*

Ferly the My Name is Eddie Humbert, This is a Day in My Life

Ferly the My Name is Eddie Humbert, This is a Day in My Life

If you were challenged to write about a day in your life, how would you proceed? The only instruction you were given was “write about a day in your life”. Not a specific day, not an average day, not your best day or your worst, just “a” day.

No small task with no specific instruction! So would you write about an average day? A best day or a worst day? Would you pick a day and write it all down so you could compile it later? Would you choose to use the task to champion a cause? Alert the world to yours or a loved one’s particular affliction? Would you make up a day that you’d like to have? Or maybe a day where you just change the outcome so that snappy comeback didn’t come to you later in the shower but right in the moment when you needed it.

Would you include every detail of the day you write about? Would that quick wank in the shower be told in detail? How about the poop you took after lunch? Would you go into detail, or simply say “I had a poop after lunch”? Would you embellish and describe how the girl at the sandwich shop flirted with you so if your friends read your story they would be impressed? Or would you leave that out, true or not, in case your wife read it?

Would you describe in great detail about the sunset you stopped to watch on your way home, even though you were actually in a bar with no windows? Would you want everyone to know your private pain or secret fetish? Would you hint at things you want known or gloss over details that could “out” you?

You could write about the day you accepted something about yourself and use the task be to cleanse your soul or exorcise your demons! You could write about a day where you apologize to everyone you ever wronged, even if the day was fictional. You could also write about sweet revenge, even if it too was fictional. You could expose the deepest darkest corners of your heart and enjoy the freedom of living a life without shame, or experience so much shame that you are never able to look anyone you know in the eyes again!

So, what would you do in regards to writing about a day in YOUR life? I know what I would do!

My name is Eddie Humbert and this is a day in my life…

Theme: My Name is Eddie Humbert, This is a Day in My Life

Theme: My Name is Eddie Humbert, This is a Day in My Life

sup? im eddie humbert. im 13 and a hardcore league of legends semi pro breakin into the big league and imma rule this game. they call me big humps. they should anyway. heres a day in my life.

07:04: got up fo breakfast and then shcool. short day and weekend soon. lookin to get gamin after shcool. league all day bitches. moms all like pay attention and shit but ther aint nothin dey can teach me to help me with my lol car33r. gotta rank up few times and then i can apply and game with the pros. maybe get a sponsership and ill be rollin in money. they dont teach this at shcool.

08:02: in class next to my boyz LZ and dixter. his names dexter but i call him dixter cuz he be puttin his dix everywhere on the weekends. he got contactx that hit him up w/ booze for the chicks so he all up in them. every week he talk big about him diggin a new skank over the weekend. that guys legit. LZ pretty cool but keeps goin maybe you should study moar. like thats gonna change shit.

12:13: talkin with LZ in recess about strats fo later. dude keeps bangin on about new skinz but i cant buy skins no more. parents have the card info and they said i cud get skinz if i got better grades so no skinz for me right now. this was over a year ago. although when my english grade dropped from d to f and then went back up to d cuz i got mad rhyme skills my dad said that didnt count. my parents are so unfair but at least i got a rap car33r to fall back on if my lol is hackd.

13:59: classes over for today and imma go home and get my lol on. so rdy for this! asked LZ if he wanted to pwn some losers but he was gonna work on a shcool assignment. lame am i rite?

14:32: home and just a quick check on 4chan and tumblr you know for the newz. gotta keep up with the times you know? some dude on tumblr goes on about how rapin a test on math class makes rape sound all positive but if so then no one should say beat or slammed neither. moron. some bitch posted about how 1 in 19 are victims of crime and shiz and that cant be true. then 19 out of 20 would be criminals. dumb bitch needs a brain. or go kill herself. usual debate on whos the worst dr who but im not into that. i mean i tried watchin it but i dont get it. a fucked up on dope guy and some low budget robots. stupid show for a stupid audience.

15:06: swaglord92 has arrived bitches! logged in and rdy to rape some pussies. immediately fire into a round with a teemo straight up makin minefields rather than fuckin up the opponents and some dude with a build out of the meta. thinks hes got it all figured out. when he died first i suggested he throw himself off a cliff. and then go fuck himself. fool. bastard cost us the round.

15:32: told a dude to fuck off cus he was pinin literally all the time and he started on a rant about trans and cis and shit and i said “sry pan gend no binary mocha frap w/ cream and duel action hydro cyls and leather grip nife who indentifys as a gurl FUCK OFF!” and a mod wrote me that was not ok. i agree dem piners are the shiz. dunno y they let these mother-f-ers play with the big dawgz. sort your community out devs.

15:38: short battle later i was stomped when two shithead team mates go afk mid battle and a feeder straight up pulls a leroy. then he calls all of us n00bz and leaves. gave him a piece of my mind. disrespectful son of a bitch deserves to get told! mod gave me a 24 hour temp ban. sorry ass leechers. devs ur mods need to git gud or gtfo.

15:39: sukkmydix91 rdy to play some dota! fuck yeah. lets do this.

19:02: dinners rdy and my parents make me join them at the tabel. or is it table? nah gotta be tabel its pronounced that way. anyway i sit dpwn and my parents are all like did you do your homework and i say of course ive done it. i got that shit all covered so i can get up get up and get dpwn on some weak ass scrubs for the evenin maybe wreck some cod or battlefield after dinner. hey i spent hours developin my 360 no scope skillz best believe imma show em off. dad freaks out cuz i was swearin at the table. tabel even. mom makes me do the fuckin dishes as punishment. meant to be educasional and stuff. yeah right.

19:51: done with the dishes and time to go pwn some retards in cod. imma quickscope them so hard. get into a random deathmatch with a bunch of kidz. pwn them like a bau5. i gun dpwn this punk like 8 times within a minute and he ims me ‘u fuckin little cuntt moddin homo’ and im all like ‘fight u irl im buff learn 2 spell n00b’ and report him. hope he gets a ban literally forever.

22:25: mom says its time for bed but f her. im mid round and on fire. she gets mad salty and unplugs my xbox and starts yellin and shit. like shes lecturin me. why do these ppl think i got so much to learn? and that i wanna? i dont get it. im a winner. a fuckin bau5. if you gotz sumthin to say fuckin tweet it @ me 140 chars or less suckers.

I’m not, nor is my wife (My Name is Eddie Humbert, This is a Day in My Life)

I’m not, nor is my wife (My Name is Eddie Humbert, This is a Day in My Life)

You are probably asking yourselves ‘Who the hell is Eddie Humbert… And wh… nah, sod that. Who the hell is Eddie Humbert?’

If you are not, then I would tentatively ask you for your bank details… As I have a very rich uncle in South… Oh, that one has been exposed? Ok. My bad. But as they don’t seem to be asking the most obvious of questions, maybe I could get away with emptying their bank accounts.

Oh, did I just implicate myself? I must stop doing that.

But seriously. I wanted to know who this Eddie bloke was. I was reliably informed that the Eddie Humbert referred to does not exist, and that it was a name used to inspire literative narrative.  While there may be persons either living or dead that share the same name, no comparisons should be drawn between them.

I think that is what I was told when I asked about the name.  I can’t remember the exact wording.  Gimme a sec.  It’ll come back to me…

Yeah… Got it… ‘I made it up’.

But surely Eddie Humbert must have lived and breathed and existed somewhere, at some point.

As it turns out, he did… or does… or something! But I get ahead of myself.

A few years ago my Mum and I started working on our family tree. It was a slow and arduous process. Partly cos, if it involved using computers, I had to do it (with her on a remote access link so she was involved)… and partly cos if they had the same name it must be them! This was my biggest headache.

But the point that I am limping towards is that I have done a certain amount of pratting about in the realms of ancestry. So when I decided to check into the origins of our Mr Humbert, I felt that I knew where to start. The registry of Births, Deaths and Marriages.

***NOTE: Mr Humbert may have cropped up a million times across the globe. But I only checked the British stuff ***

I thought it through. Ed may not have got married. He may not yet be dead. But I’m pretty sure that if he ever was an ‘is’, then he was probably born at some point.

I looked with an almost anal amount of care (I’m flippant quite a lot of the time, but when I’m on a mission… I’m ON A MISSION!!!).

I could not find an Ed, Edward or Edith Humbert born and registered as such, in the UK after 1893.  (I worked backwards from the most recent records and this was the first I found)

Edward James Humbert was born in the Pancras district of London in September 1893, and died in December 1893.

Eddie Humbert‘Surely he can’t be the only Eddie Humbert’, I thought. So I did what most people would have thought of first… Googled him.

It turns out that Ed Humbert is a senior director at CBRE (don’t ask me, I don’t know). But according to the official records, he was never born (in the UK). I now have a malicious desire to find out who CBRE are, phone them up and point out that at least one of their senior directors was never born. Or at the very least, died in 1893 at the age of 4 months. You think that would cause a minor panic?

So, if I did…

A Day in the Life of Eddie Humbert
‘What? Are you serious? Do I look like a 4 month old that has been dead for 120 years? Thank you Trevor, that sort of comment is not helpful!

Of course I am me. And yes… I was born a little more recently than the late 19th Century. What is this all about? I do have better things to be doing with my time you know!

#click# Sylvia… Please call Roger and tell him that I may be held up here for a while. If I’m not there in time that they should tee off without me. #click#

Now what is this about? Seriously??!!’

Addendum
It turns out that Eddie is French. Or a dope smoker who kinda loves himself (probably more than we do). Or a boxer. Or five people who live ‘in places like South Carolina; Texas; Washington; Florida’. (Thank you Google… How like South Carolina, Texas, Washington and Florida are these places? Or did you mean actually these places?)

But in the UK he is only an extremely dead four month old senior director at a Real Estate company.

Now you know.

 

Last month silence was my only option

Last month silence was my only option

I am a blogger from the heart and from the soul, when both get to travel from hopeful to shattered one too many time my pen halts. My mind tells me don’t get your hopes up but it is my personality to keep on dreaming, hoping and believing.

In this post I would like to share an artwork that was made for me by my rock, my love and hearts desire.

 

Nutmeg water colour by Rowland Pink
Nutmeg water colour by Rowland Pink

Almost a year ago we got the news that the waiting lists for Belgian adoption were closed, I cried and I despaired, I scolded and screamed but most of all I lost all happiness. I just felt cheated by the world. My boyfriend who was at the end of his ideas came up with the best one ever, he gave me a little creature to take care of love, her name is Nutmeg. People called us crazy for having 4 cats but that little being lifted my heart. She needed me, she needed me as much as I needed her. To this day she is the apple of my eye, and yes I treat her like my baby and probably annoy people with too many pictures on facebook, too many stories on the sofa, too many instagram messages and too many silly voices when I talk to her.

Now a month ago I started another treatment for my Endometriosis. To cheer me on Rowland made a watercolour of our little Meg. I wanted to share it with you and hope it will bring you a smile, like it does me every time I see it.