Ferly the I Don’t Believe

Ferly the I Don’t Believe

My disbelief in so many things is so broad and so long that it can be seen from space!

I don’t believe in fairy tales, superstitions or old wive’s tales, because if you do your nose will grow, you’ll have bad luck and you’ll get warts on the palms of your hand!

I don’t believe in Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny, the Tooth Fairy or the Boogyman (unless we’re talking KC). Yet, I still get gifts, candy, money under my pillow and scary things under my bed!

What I believe and what I don’t believe seems to have little bearing on what is and what isn’t.

Oh and those scary things under my bed? They are called dust bunnies, they are second cousin to the Easter Bunny. They are pissed because they have no special day of the year just for them so they wreak vengeance by forming a barrier around all the stuff that finds it’s way under your bed and keeping you from getting to it without them attacking you and getting in your hair!

And what is “talking KC”? If you don’t know who/what KC is a reference to then you don’t deserve to know!

But seriously, who reads this crap anway? I mean this crap that I write… I don’t believe anyone does!

Ferly the Freedom, Sex, Food & Key Chain Fobs

Ferly the Freedom, Sex, Food & Key Chain Fobs

She had never stayed in a hotel by herself before. She’d dreamt of fine, elegant hotel rooms with beautiful views of far away cities, and even though she was just downtown in her own little city, she felt like she had traveled to another part of the world. She left her spare room key on the bar with the man she’d met that night. He had complimented her on her smile and her eyes and he had treated her like she was special, so she left her hotel room key fob on the bar, flashed him her “fantastic smile” and batted her “gorgeous eyes”, and walked slowly out of the hotel lounge without looking back. She ordered champagne and strawberries from room service, then filled the oversized tub and added a doubled dose of bubble bath before slipping into something more comfortable. She waited, postured on the bed wearing just her best negligee and her fantastic smile.

The phone rang and startled her. She awoke a little disoriented and scrambled for the phone. It was the 8:00 am wake-up call she’d asked for when she checked in. She sat listening to a recorded voice telling her that breakfast was served until 9:00 am, and check out was at 11:00 am as she looked around the room.  There were the expensive strawberries and champagne she couldn’t afford, here in the expensive hotel room she couldn’t afford. She hung up the phone and tried to keep herself together as she began gathering her things, but as soon as she saw herself in the bathroom mirror she lost it. Her lipstick and eye makeup had smeared around her face, creating two black eyes and half a clown mouth. She sat on the edge of the tub and burst into tears. She pushed up the drain plug switch and the water level immediately began to get lower. She reached for a washcloth and accidently dropped it in the now freezing cold, bubbless tub water. She retrieved it, wrong it out and put it over her face. The coolness felt good against her hot skin, so she cleaned herself up and went into the main room. Why the hell should this go to waste? She thought, as she stuffed strawberries into her face and the tears began to flow again. She drank champagne straight from the bottle, although cold, it was a bit flat. Still, it helped to wash the strawberries down and the tears stop flowing. A nice buzz from the champagne was enough motivation to get herself and her things together.

She looked herself again as she closed the door behind her and headed to the desk to checkout. Her modest dress made her nearly invisible but still she still made an effort to smile as she passed the other guests and staff, with her clean, make-up less face. Her mind wandered to thinking how many people steal from hotel rooms and if the staff would think her a better guest because she had stolen nothing and tidied her room before leaving. She waited in a long line of people who seemed extremely annoyed at being in a line. No one looked at each other, they just deep sighed, looked at their watches and deep sighed again. She was happy not to see mister “Wow, you have a fantastic smile, gee I could just look into your gorgeous eyes all night, but I don’t want to have sex with you”. She began to look at her watch and deep sigh.

When it was her turn at the desk, she explained that she had lost her other room key fob. The desk clerk waved one hand without looking up and said “oh that’s ok, someone turned it in”. She began to dig violently through her purse to find something, using it as a ruse to collect herself and fight back the tears. The desk clerk started tapping a pen on a clipboard to get her attention. Rude! She yelled at him, and he rolled his eyes at her. She signed the form and stormed out, telling herself that the clerk was lucky she didn’t ask to see a manager over his appalling behavior.

Now back home, the empty place with no husband, no kids, no pets and no warmth, she dropped her bag and her purse on the floor, kicked her shoes off so hard they hit the shelves in front of her and knocked over several photos she has been meaning to pack away. She stepped over the mess of broken glass and wondered into the kitchen to open a bottle of wine. Her champagne buzz had just about worn off and there was no one around to step in the glass or stop her from drinking a bottle of wine before noon.

Ferly the My Name is Alice Johnston, This is a Day in My Life

Ferly the My Name is Alice Johnston, This is a Day in My Life

So, Miss Johnston, can you…

You can call me Alice.

Ok, Alice. Can you tell me about your day today? It’s important that you be as honest as possible.

Sure, I’ll do my best…

I hate having to get up in the morning, but I did it anyway. I don’t like having to put on makeup and do my hair, but I did it anyway. I drove in angry traffic full off idiots trying to “get there faster” by driving like assholes, so I could arrive at my office where I hate everyone and everyone hates me. I sat at my desk all day doing my tedious job that makes my brain feel numb, then I ate lunch at my desk. A lunch that would have been better suited to a rabbit, because I’m fat and I want everyone to think I’m trying to do something about it. Anyways, I washed it down with the same coffee that’s been in the pot since this morning because no one made any fresh. They just drank all the coffee and thought “screw stupid fat Alice, she deserves the burnt crap in the bottom of the pot”. You know, I’ll be damned if I’m going to be the one to make the coffee every day for the whole office!

So you didn’t make any coffee today?

What?

Sorry, please continue.

Ok, so I finished out the work day and made my way to my car through an office of people who hate me and think I’m fat. Then I got in my car, I repressed the urge to scream, and I drove home in shitting angry traffic full off idiots trying to “get home faster” by driving like assholes, so I can I arrive at an apartment with no one to greet me. I put my “lean cuisine” in the microwave and took off my clothes in the kitchen while I watch my dinner cook. Then sat naked on the kitchen floor with my secret snack drawer open and shoved cakes, candies and cookies in my face until I heard the ding of the microwave. Then I clean up the wrappers from my little binge and went to the bedroom to put on some pajamas. I sat on the bed and watch TV. Mostly just bad sitcoms and reality shows until the evening news came on. The news makes me feel hopeless and angry so I don’t watch it. I turned the TV off and went and got my cold dinner from the microwave and ate it standing over the kitchen sink, before I went to to stare at myself in the bathroom mirror for a few minutes. I cried, I brush my teeth, I washed my face and I went to bed.

I really should get a cat.

Alice?

Yes?

Just one more question, and please be honest.

Ok.

Did you make the coffee yesterday?

Coffee?

Yes, the coffee in the break room. Did you make it? I noticed you said you didn’t make it.

Coffee?

Miss Johnston, Alice, please stop giggling and answer the question. Did you make the coffee today?

Yes, yes I made it.

Can you tell me what you put in it?

In it?

Yes, Alice, what did you put in the coffee? Alice, please stop laughing.

Ferly the I Have a Love Hate Relationship

Ferly the I Have a Love Hate Relationship

I used to play this game…

I spent not just hours or even days, but years playing this game. I love this game, it’s my favorite game, there is no other game quite like it. To this day I long for it, I crave it, I mourn for it and though the game still exists and I could play it if I wanted to, I don’t. Because I hate it.

I don’t like how it’s changed over the years. Sure it’s still basically the game I love. It looks the same for the most part, but , in fact, it has changed too much! I think some of the changes were good, but this last big change was the last straw. As an addict someone who plays games for fun, I don’t want to be a slave in a game any more than I want to do the dishes or laundry or cleaning in real life. I just want to play and have fun!

IMO the game “developers” have turned the game into a chore and ruined it. Sure, it was bit chore-ish, but nothing like this last time. If I just did the dailies, I would never have time to actually play and have fun, let alone do the dishes or laundry or cleaning in real life. You have to do the dailies though. Casual player? I think that phrase might be an oxymoron in relation to this game. You can’t play part time or just do the fun stuff, nope. You have to do at least 4 hours of daily chores or screw you!

Oh but, on the other hand! I met some of the best people I’ve ever known and had some of the best times with them that I’ve ever had. I wish things could be like they were, I want vanilla! Sure I appreciated some of the things that made it easier like going from 40 to 25 and even 10 but I don’t want to get into picking apart what changes were good or bad. I mostly just want to reminisce about the old days, the things that make me spoilt for other games.

Bottom line? No game will ever be to me what this game was, no people will ever be as great and wonderful, and as far as I know I will never again have the time to dedicate to playing a game like I did with this one. But, I don’t feel cheated. In fact, I am glad that the game went to shit or I’d probably still be playing it. I do miss the people though. I miss them a whole lot.

Yup, I love that game. It’s shit and I hate it.

Ferly the My Name is Eddie Humbert, This is a Day in My Life

Ferly the My Name is Eddie Humbert, This is a Day in My Life

If you were challenged to write about a day in your life, how would you proceed? The only instruction you were given was “write about a day in your life”. Not a specific day, not an average day, not your best day or your worst, just “a” day.

No small task with no specific instruction! So would you write about an average day? A best day or a worst day? Would you pick a day and write it all down so you could compile it later? Would you choose to use the task to champion a cause? Alert the world to yours or a loved one’s particular affliction? Would you make up a day that you’d like to have? Or maybe a day where you just change the outcome so that snappy comeback didn’t come to you later in the shower but right in the moment when you needed it.

Would you include every detail of the day you write about? Would that quick wank in the shower be told in detail? How about the poop you took after lunch? Would you go into detail, or simply say “I had a poop after lunch”? Would you embellish and describe how the girl at the sandwich shop flirted with you so if your friends read your story they would be impressed? Or would you leave that out, true or not, in case your wife read it?

Would you describe in great detail about the sunset you stopped to watch on your way home, even though you were actually in a bar with no windows? Would you want everyone to know your private pain or secret fetish? Would you hint at things you want known or gloss over details that could “out” you?

You could write about the day you accepted something about yourself and use the task be to cleanse your soul or exorcise your demons! You could write about a day where you apologize to everyone you ever wronged, even if the day was fictional. You could also write about sweet revenge, even if it too was fictional. You could expose the deepest darkest corners of your heart and enjoy the freedom of living a life without shame, or experience so much shame that you are never able to look anyone you know in the eyes again!

So, what would you do in regards to writing about a day in YOUR life? I know what I would do!

My name is Eddie Humbert and this is a day in my life…