Ferly the My Name is Alice Johnston, This is a Day in My Life

Ferly the My Name is Alice Johnston, This is a Day in My Life

So, Miss Johnston, can you…

You can call me Alice.

Ok, Alice. Can you tell me about your day today? It’s important that you be as honest as possible.

Sure, I’ll do my best…

I hate having to get up in the morning, but I did it anyway. I don’t like having to put on makeup and do my hair, but I did it anyway. I drove in angry traffic full off idiots trying to “get there faster” by driving like assholes, so I could arrive at my office where I hate everyone and everyone hates me. I sat at my desk all day doing my tedious job that makes my brain feel numb, then I ate lunch at my desk. A lunch that would have been better suited to a rabbit, because I’m fat and I want everyone to think I’m trying to do something about it. Anyways, I washed it down with the same coffee that’s been in the pot since this morning because no one made any fresh. They just drank all the coffee and thought “screw stupid fat Alice, she deserves the burnt crap in the bottom of the pot”. You know, I’ll be damned if I’m going to be the one to┬ámake the coffee every day for the whole office!

So you didn’t make any coffee today?

What?

Sorry, please continue.

Ok, so I finished out the work day and made my way to my car through an office of people who hate me and think I’m fat. Then I got in my car, I repressed the urge to scream, and I drove home in shitting angry traffic full off idiots trying to “get home faster” by driving like assholes, so I can I arrive at an apartment with no one to greet me. I put my “lean cuisine” in the microwave and took off my clothes in the kitchen while I watch my dinner cook. Then sat naked on the kitchen floor with my secret snack drawer open and shoved cakes, candies and cookies in my face until I heard the ding of the microwave. Then I clean up the wrappers from my little binge and went to the bedroom to put on some pajamas. I sat on the bed and watch TV. Mostly just bad sitcoms and reality shows until the evening news came on. The news makes me feel hopeless and angry so I don’t watch it. I turned the TV off and went and got my cold dinner from the microwave and ate it standing over the kitchen sink, before I went to to stare at myself in the bathroom mirror for a few minutes. I cried, I brush my teeth, I washed my face and I went to bed.

I really should get a cat.

Alice?

Yes?

Just one more question, and please be honest.

Ok.

Did you make the coffee yesterday?

Coffee?

Yes, the coffee in the break room. Did you make it? I noticed you said you didn’t make it.

Coffee?

Miss Johnston, Alice, please stop giggling and answer the question. Did you make the coffee today?

Yes, yes I made it.

Can you tell me what you put in it?

In it?

Yes, Alice, what did you put in the coffee? Alice, please stop laughing.

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