I wake up and stretch. It’s my day off. I nuzzle her neck and hope for a response, but she’s sound asleep. She’s a heavy sleeper. At least she pretends to be, though I’m not sure she isn’t faking it.
I slide out of bed and go to the kitchen for an early morning snack. I know she hates it when I only eat the topping off the pizza, but to be honest, it’s the only edible thing the morning after, and I did try to wake her. You schmooze, you lose.
I sit by the window watching the birds. They’re so feisty in the morning! Before breakfast! That’s not me. I prefer lazy mornings in bed with her. Preferably awake. I sneak into the bedroom and try a new approach: nibbling her ear. Her steady breathing doesn’t alter. I guess I’ll have to go hunting by myself, the sun is shining and the promise of a hot day is in the rays’ heat.
I sneak out the door and into the golden sun. MUSTWALKINTOTHEFOREST before I fall asleep on the lawn. I just love the lazy days of summer, sleeping in, relaxing at home, not having to think about work – as if! – or winter.
I sneak off into the woods. A finely tuned ear and a keen sense of smell are so important when hunting. Even you, dear reader, should be able to smell a forest animal, because most of them smell a lot. Forest animals smell different to sweaty humans, in case you were wondering. Rancid and sharp, and if you can smell it, start making noises – cos it means that *it* cannot smell you and has no idea you’re walking about. Unless you’re hunting, that is, then you should be so lucky. Follow that smell.
Personlly, I don’t mind them, unless they’re hephalumps. Hephalumps are invisible. There’s a small herd in the forest. The neighbour’s two dogs go bonkers when they smell the hephs. None of us really want to meet the hephs so we try to stay well clear of them.
I jog on, trying to catch an interesting sniff from somewhere, but it seems that there are no interesting prey about. I sneak on through the woods, registering all the noise – from millions of insects and birds, the wind whispering through and caressing the foliage, an airplane high up. A toad jumps into a puddle from yesterday’s rain shower. I don’t much care for toads. They’re poisonous. They have small beady eyes that stare right into your soul and wreak havoc on your digestion.
The air is getting gradually warmer and it’s less comfortable to breathe. It’s time to head back home. No matter how much she had to drink last night, surely she should wake up soon? It’s almost time for my dinner! She can’t expect me to fix it myself. It’s her job.
Upon entering the house I hear nothing. No familiar singing in the kitchen, no water falling from faucet to coffee pot. Only some almost imperceptible miniature snores.
She’s still sleeping! I cannot believe it! My slave is still in bed, not preparing my dinner, not tidying my boxes, not cleaning the sofa. I cannot believe this level of disrespect. I am hungry! There was no food to be found in the forest! All I’ve had to eat, all day, is just a few dry biscuits. Dry, bland and boring. I want food! Proper food. And I want it NOW!!!
I jump onto the bed without my usual grace and elegance. I try nibbling her ear but she swats me away like a fly. The nerve of it! Me, Eddie Humbert (also known as Edz amongst the cool cats) being swatted like a fly! This time there will be blood. I stick my paw under the duvet, all five claws out, pause for a second, then strike. Four paws, five claws, five toes. Blood curdling scream lasting a lot longer than five seconds. and she KICKED me out of bed! The nerve! Kicking a poor defenseless cat. I wailed my despair, shredded her blouse on the way out to prove my point – I do not accept being treated with such disrespect – flew over the counter and knocked her wine glass on the floor. I think she was obsessed by some demon cos I heard the noises she made – they didn’t sound human at all – I streaked out the cat flap without looking back.
My dinner? Oh, right. I had to go out hunting. Seems she didn’t appreciate the wake-up call. I walked in through the cat flap, calm as a cucumber, expecting my dinner. She sent me tumbling out the front door and down the stairs and told me to catch my own dinner before she sealed off the cat flap so I can’t get back inside. How dare she? When my thumbs evolve completely, she will pay.
Until then, I shall have to find myself some food. Or sun. My batteries need recharging. The sunny grass is so beckoning… the heat from the sun so hot… so alluring… must…not…give…in *znorez*